New Blog Address

Hey guys, I have moved my blog over, to see my latest blogpost about the Michael Sam story, click the link below. Thanks

http://dallasrainbowcounseling.com/blog/

NCTE Celebrates CeCe McDonald’s Early Release

National Center for Transgender Equality's Blog

Today, CeCe McDonald, an African American transgender woman serving a 41-month sentence in the self-defense death of her assailant, was released early from St. Cloud Minnesota Correctional Facility. McDonald, a student in Minneapolis, and her friends survived a violent transphobic and racist attack on June 5th, 2011. While the perpetrators initiated the confrontation, CeCe McDonald was the only person to be arrested and charged, and in spite of the fact that her actions were defensive.

National Center for Transgender Equality Executive Director Mara Keisling welcomes CeCe McDonald’s early release, “No transgender person should be punished for surviving a hate crime. NCTE welcomes and celebrates CeCe’s early release from prison. We’re also mindful that CeCe’s release is not freedom; her ability to control her life is now severely limited because a couple of intoxicated strangers believed that CeCe and her friends didn’t belong in the neighborhood. CeCe’s story is a window…

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#LoveWillWin

There is A LOT going around the last two days about some hateful and bigoted remarks being made in the media. It is incredibly easy to get wrapped up in arguing the logistics of religion and freedom of speech and the actions that follow controversial statements. But in the same span of time, two major breakthroughs have occurred. New Mexico became state 17, (18 if you count DC) to allow marriage equality, and Utah, (yeah..UTAH!) just overturned their marriage equality ban. 

Love is winning…we are winning…and we get to watch it AS IT HAPPENS. It’s historic..and we are living in the middle of this amazing period of time when things are snowballing in the direction of love and equality. 

Focus on our progress, folks…find hope and solace in our forward movement.

From Texas with hope,

Rebekka Ouer, LCSW

DallasRainbowCounseling.com 

@LGBT_Counselor 

PAY ATTENTION

Life provides you with a blueprint of what works specifically for you, every time things move towards ‘better’. When you pay very close attention to those upswings, and remember the valuable information they provide you with, you are more armed and ready for the next challenge life may bring.

– Rebekka Ouer

http://www.dallasrainbowcounseling.com

The Expert

Sometimes clients come in expecting me, as the “expert”, to give them some specific advice about their particular conundrums.  

However, one thing that makes me quite different than some other therapists, is that I do NOT see myself as the expert in the room. I think that you, my client, are the expert here. You are the one in the room that knows you best, and no amount of training on my part, or getting to know you, will ever change that fact. Therefore, my expertise is in finding the right questions to ask, such that you don’t really need my advice, because the answers you give, provide you with the direction you seek.

It’s probably the toughest task that a therapist can be charged with, refraining from offering their opinions or ‘expertise’ to a client that’s having a hard time. But with the right questions, the client gets to figure things out on their own, and then they get to have ownership of the next right steps they will take.

I sometimes tell my clients that I have the dumbest business plan ever. My job, if done well enough, is to weed myself out of your life so that you can get back to the business of living it successfully. 

‘Help’, evolved….

Rebekka Ouer, LCSW

@LGBT_Counselor

Rebekka@DallasRainbowCounseling.com 

Superlatives Everywhere…

I am naturally a very passionate and excitable person. As a result of this, I use superlatives on a regular basis, to the point where my closest friends can predict what I’m about to say when I try something new (like food) that I really enjoy. Whenever I’m eating at a new place, and my food is incredibly good, what typically comes out of my mouth is some form of…”Wow…that’s the best __________ I’ve EVER had!”.  

Now, in my defense, whenever I say something like that, I TOTALLY believe it at the time…I’m being as genuine and in-the-moment as possible. Another example of this personality trait that I have, is that if I am feeling some extreme way, like really really cold, to the point of not being able to get warm, I literally, in that moment, CANNOT remember ever feeling hot.  Even though I live in Dallas, where the average temp in the summer is 100+ degrees. 

The funny thing about the information you’ve just learned about me is this….as a therapist, whenever my clients use superlatives, such as “I NEVER feel happy”, or “He NEVER says nice things to me”,  I make it a point to not believe them, and typically, after a superlative like that, my very next question makes my disbelief respectfully clear.

For example, just this week, I had a therapy session with a couple who wanted to find a way to communicate more effectively without blowing up and arguing for hours whenever they had a disagreement. One of the partners said that they ALWAYS argue in that way whenever they disagree. So what was my VERY next question?

“When was the last time you had an opportunity for a huge blowout, but instead, argued in a more productive, calm, and respectful way?” 

In that example…I just purposefully, but respectfully, took that superlative statement, and challenged it with a question making a HUGE assumption, that my client didn’t really mean what she just said. 

The reason that I did that, is because I believe the next sentence in this blog is ALWAYS true: 

No problem happens all of the time.

And in the case of that couple, even though I could tell that client felt like her statement was true when she said it,  after I asked them that question…they were IMMEDIATELY able to remember a time in the very recent past, when they had an opportunity for a blowout argument, but instead had a very productive and respectful conversation. And the example that they gave me, offered us all some extremely useful information for what they can look out for as they continue to evolve their conversations around disagreements. 

So, my challenge for you today is this:

The next time your feeling upset or frustrated with something that needs to get better fast, challenge yourself to remember the last time it was even just a LITTLE bit better…and refuse to believe that it has always been that bad, because there is TONS of useful & impactful information in your recent successes, (and you HAVE had recent successes!). 

This blog was the MOST fun yet….

Rebekka Ouer, LCSW

Rebekka@DallasRainbowCounseling.com

@LGBT_Counselor 

https://www.facebook.com/DallasRainbowCounseling

 

Family Vs. “Family”: Tip #4 for the Upcoming Holidays

So, here is the last tip for the LGBT community, regarding the upcoming holidays. If you’ve followed the previous 3 tips, then you’ve now got an idea of how you would like things to be, you’ve recognized what’s going well and how you will notice things getting better, and you’ve communicated your hopes to family members whom you trust.

Now, if you’re still finding some difficulty my last piece of advice around the holidays is this:

4. If you are forced into a tough decision, make it consciously and openly:

Sometimes for very valid reasons, you are just going to have to make a tough choice.  The choice might be whether to spend the holidays with your family of origin or your spouse/chosen family.  It might be whether to bring your spouse to the holidays as your ‘roommate’ or as your significant other. Or maybe whether to play it straight, or finally come out.

So, my advice here is simple: If you do end up in a situation where you are forced to make a tough choice, make it consciously, and then be honest with yourself about it.

Take the pressure off of yourself by recognizing that it doesn’t always have to be the same every year, and remember to talk with your spouse about it, and if possible, also talk with your family.

As always, feel free to comment here or email me at the address below.

Rebekka Ouer, LCSW

Rebekka@dallasrainbowcounseling.com

@LGBT_Counselor

https://www.facebook.com/DallasRainbowCounseling

Family Vs. “Family”: Tip #3 for the Upcoming Holidays

Alright, so this is the 2nd to the last tip for the upcoming holiday season for my LGBT family. Tip #1 was about detailing your very best hopes for the season ahead, & tip #2 was about recognizing both past and current progress. So, once you’ve done those things here’s the next step you can take.

Tip #3. Communicate Your Hopes:

Going back to that same couple I worked with last year, after they shared their combined vision of their preferred future, and recognized that they are already taking some steps toward it, I asked them what they thought the next small step might be.  Both of them agreed that they wanted to communicate their vision for what they hoped would be different this holiday season, with other trusted members of their family. They surmised together, that to have the best chance of moving forward, they should share these hopes in an open and honest way.

So, if you have even a little bit of hope that some of your family members might work with you around this issue, than your job becomes to communicate to them what you’d like to have happen instead of what’s currently happening.  If you can do so in an open, honest and positive way, you might gain some allies, that can help as you continue moving towards that future together. 

Here’s to those who work well with others.

Rebekka Ouer, LCSW

 

Family Vs. “Family”: Tip #2 for the Upcoming Holidays

Alright, as promised, here is tip #2 in the continuing series for the the LGBT community regarding the holiday season that is fast approaching.

Tip #1 was about creating a detailed picture of how you hope the holidays will look, both for the purpose of getting on the same page with your spouse, (if applicable), as well as creating a clear destination to measure forward movement. 

So, moving in order, once you’ve done that first step, next I would advise you do this:

2. Recognize Past, & Current Progress:

As I was talking with that couple last year, I asked them to put things on a scale of 0-10, where 10 = the picture we’d just spent most of the session creating.

Well, to my surprise, they said, even with the current difficulties, they’d put things at about a 4. I immediately asked them what was happening that was contributing to things being at a 4, rather than a 3 or lower, & the answer came quickly and confidently.  They told me that the mother of the family they were concerned about, had gradually moved from an unaccepting and judgmental place where she wouldn’t even acknowledge her son’s spouse, to a place of complete acceptance.  Over the last few years she started to hug her son’s spouse when they saw each other, and they even started to talk on the phone regularly, just as she might with her other son-in-law.  It was a complete turnaround from where it started a few years before.

With some purposeful questions on my part, this couple was then able to pull some useful information from that story about what they did to contribute to this success, and it helped them make an action plan for helping other family members move a bit closer to acceptance as well. 


So remember: Recognize progress, because at the very least you will be able to realize that some things have gotten better, and you might even be able to develop a plan for continuing in that direction by repeating what’s worked already. 

Tip #3 on Friday, until then, give some credit where it’s due.

Rebekka Ouer, LCSW

Rebekka@DallasRainbowCounseling.com

@LGBT_Counselor on Twitter

& on FB: https://www.facebook.com/DallasRainbowCounseling 

 

Family Vs. “Family”: Tip #1 for the Upcoming Holidays

As the “Family” counselor in Dallas, and as someone who is a native and openly gay Texan, I am completely aware that for individuals, couples & families in the LGBT community, the holidays can bring about a unique kind of stress.  A stress around who your family wishes you were (and in some cases thinks that you are) and who you really are. 

This stress can bring up a lot of conflict, both with your family of origin and your family of choice.  Over the last two and a half years, I’ve had a significant number of people in this community come into my office trying to work out this very conundrum. I’ve taken that experience and combined it with some personal experiences of my own, to develop a few simple tips for you to try over the holiday season. 

These tips will each get their own blogpost over the coming days. I hope they’re helpful for you, and if you have any questions, input or comments, feel free to comment here or email me at Rebekka@DallasRainbowCounseling.com 

Tip 1. Know exactly what you want:

I had a couple in my office last November, and one of them was feeling hurt by his spouse’s family never inviting him to family holiday events.  It was clear to both of them that the reason he was never included was because the family didn’t approve of their relationship, and didn’t accept them as they accepted the straight couples in the family. 

The first question I asked both of them before we went anywhere else was this:

“What would you like to have happen instead?”

 

And then I got as many details about their preferred future as I could. The reason that I asked that question first, is because whether or not their family will EVER look and act as accepting as they might hope, it was extremely important to know exactly how they envisioned a happy holiday season as a couple. Getting these details gave us a clear destination that we could then measure movement towards as we moved forward. 

So, if you are feeling a bit anxious about the pending holidays, the very first thing that I would advise both you and your partner to do, is clarify for yourselves what your vision of a happy holiday season would be, so that you are both aware of exactly what you want, and on the same page with it.

Tip #2 coming your way on Wednesday the 9th.

Getting into the spirit already,

Rebekka Ouer, LCSW

Rebekka@DallasRainbowCounseling.com